And then it doesn’t. There are very good reasons why not, but it doesn’t have to be this way. You can keep your relationship alive and exciting no matter how long you’ve been together, but first you need to know why it fades, and then you need to know what you can do differently—either in your current relationship or in your next one. But unless they have each done deep healing work on their fears of rejection (the fear of losing the other person) and their fears of engulfment (the fear of losing themselves in the relationship), inevitably these fears will emerge in the relationship. When they do, controlling behavior also emerges. Whether it’s overt control (such as the anger or blame that come from an anxious attachment style stemming from a fear of rejection) or covert control (such as the compliance, resistance, or withdrawal that stems from an avoidant attachment style), controlling behavior erodes in-love feelings. Keeping the love between you alive means that, when your fears of loss of other or loss of self emerge, you decide to utilize the relationship to learn and heal rather than to protect against what you fear with your various forms of controlling behavior. Keeping your heart open, learning to take responsibility for your own feelings and fears, and supporting each other in healing these fears is what keeps love alive. This openness to learning not only allows couples to help each other heal, but each member also evolves in their ability to see and value themselves and each other. They learn to love themselves and are then able to share their love with each other rather than always trying to have control over getting love and avoiding being controlled. Aliveness comes from the new learning that continually occurs in loving relationships when each partner is open to learning to take responsibility for healing the fears and false beliefs that lead to controlling behavior. Couples stay madly in love when they continually learn about loving themselves and each other, and unpacking those false beliefs is the first step.
