If you’re in a couple, sit down together (at a time when you’re not horny or naked) and discuss clearly, honestly, and openly what you’re both looking for and what, if any, compromises you might need to make so you’re both comfortable. Make sure when using apps that you’re very direct (but not off-puttingly crass) about what you’re looking for. It’s not fair to someone looking for a monogamous, closed encounter to believe that you’re looking for that too, only to be blindsided by a “Can my boyfriend join?” Don’t be that person. Certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, recommends the following apps/dating websites as also being useful in the threesome search: Ashley Madison, BiCupid, and Bumble. It’s also worth noting that the specifics of your situation should be taken into account when considering whether to ask a friend or not. For couples who are queer, polyamorous, and used to blurring the lines between sex, romance, and friendship, asking a friend might be the easiest way forward. For couples who are more traditional but are interested in threesomes to spice up their sex lives, asking a friend might cross too many “social lines” and lead to unnecessary hurt and friction. “Most cities have sex parties, but these are often found through word-of-mouth,” says Lori Lawrenz, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist with a specialization in human sexuality. “Sometimes local sex shops have information such as message boards or friendly, helpful staff who can guide you toward local parties or bars/nightclubs in which [people are] open to connecting with like-minded others.” Also make sure to establish that your prospective partners are positive about using protection, and then stick to it. No one wants to be caught in the middle of “which of these people gave me an STI?” dilemmas or even “which of these people got me pregnant?” mysteries. You could try using a light approach. “Sometimes jokes are a good way to break the ice and start talking about adding a third person for a sexy encounter,” Lawrenz says. A highlight of this approach is that it gives you room to easily and quickly understand if your partner seems strongly against the idea. “Another way to start a conversation is to watch a sexy movie that has a threesome in it, which can be the jumping-off point for a conversation,” Lawrenz recommends. “One can say they are curious about spicing up their sex life and wonder what their partner thinks about bringing in a third person to expand their connection…” No matter which approach you use, once you actually get into the conversation, Howard says you should focus on discussing why you want a threesome and how you think it will benefit the relationship. “Partners often internalize the desire for a threesome as a statement on their ability to satisfy their partner,” Howard notes. If you’re clear about what you’re looking for from the threesome, then you can spare your partner from spiraling about “not being enough” or “not being good enough.” Some people may surprise you and be more open than you expect, says Lawrenz. Others will be totally uncomfortable with the idea, and there may be a boundary there you’ll need to respect. “If your partner is offended or dislikes the idea, be proud of yourself for boldly being sex-positive and experimental,” Lawrenz says. “Remember, threesomes are not fun if there is not mutual shared consent by all parties.” The more prepared and comfortable you feel, the better the sex will be. Similarly, it’s not a bad idea to check in with your partner about whether they really want to do it, too. They might just be super in love with you and wanting to please you. While some sex acts necessarily require more contact between person A and person B, there are creative ways to let person C feel part of the action. “Using touch, such as holding hands, gentle squeezes of the thighs or buttocks during various sexual acts can ensure all parties are connected. Maintaining eye contact and ensuring everyone is getting attention is the best way to stay engaged,” says Lawrenz. It’s also important that once you’ve finished having sex that you don’t coldly freeze the third person out. Make sure that they’re feeling OK and that the experience was fun for them. If you’re at your place, get them a snack and a glass of water, and ensure that they have a safe way to get home. If you try to shove down your feelings and trample on your own boundaries, you’re likely to erupt in upsetting ways. Expressing boundaries can also look like insisting on using condoms with the two strangers you just met at a sex party. Or saying that you don’t want to engage in penetrative sex. This can show up in ways such as being overly demanding of them to fulfill your fantasies or by being rude or cold to them if you begin to feel threatened by the connection they’re making with your partner. If you begin to feel overwhelmed, you should signal for a timeout instead of taking out your insecurity on the person who is just there for a good, sexy time. Another way of showing disrespect during a threesome is by continuing to “push the boundaries, and push your agenda, despite one of the parties saying no,” Brito adds. Don’t act in an entitled way, and remember that honoring everyone’s comfort is the key to successful group sex. It’s also really important in general that before having a threesome in any configuration, you all have a talk about your expectations. Is this going to be a regular “Thursday threesome” situation? Is this a one-off occasion between friends that will never be spoken of again? Get to know the lay of the land before you get laid. “Know where you want to go before you are all together. Have conversations while your clothes are still on and while all parties are sober,” says Lawrenz. Generally, Brito says, if all parties truly are in alignment about what they want, then a threesome will bring excitement, joy, and closeness to a relationship. We live in a rigidly monogamous society that encourages us to see sexual fidelity as the only and truest form of love and commitment. Threesomes give us a chance to rewrite that narrative.
