Here’s everything you need to know about breaking up with a narcissist, including how to do this right and what to expect along the way: Understand this as you’re walking out the door: You can never hold a narcissist accountable. It’s what’s kept you hooked, and you need to leave behind that desire to make them “get it” or “change” if you’re going to be able to truly close the door on this relationship. There is an inherent problem with the maxim “Don’t judge.” It presupposes that anytime we decide something isn’t good for us, we’re bad people, and we judge ourselves instead. To be alive is to judge—every time you reverse your car in the parking lot, you are making a judgment call on what angle to maneuver. Discernment does not make you a bad person. It makes you a wiser person. Here’s something to consider, instead: If this relationship with a narcissist were to happen to your best friend or child, would you be OK with it? Yes, you might’ve made bad decisions or done “bad” things. But unlike a narcissist, you didn’t deliberately set a trap to slowly hook, hoodwink, and then abuse another person for your own sick kicks. You’re not a saint. That doesn’t mean you need to be stomaching another person’s literal and figurative punches. You can rationalize everything away, and that’s not a good thing. Yes, there’s a reason the narcissist is the way they are—genetics, family dynamics, substance abuse, etc. It’s not your job to analyze why or to get caught in the smoke and mirrors. When it comes to narcissists, the root of the problem is them, and the reason we call it a “personality disorder” in psychiatry is because it cannot change. Nor is it serving you to rationalize your feelings or trauma away or to scold yourself for feeling a certain way, expecting yourself to “just move on.” Trauma is stored in our bodies and doesn’t disappear simply with logical or positive thinking. The only way through is to process and release it rather than analyze till the cows come home. Many clients tell me they are upset by how the narcissist seems to be unscathed while they themselves are a hot mess. They question why they are “weak and useless,” and they want to give up. Here’s the deal. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. More importantly, they have no affective empathy—the ability to feel what another person is feeling—much less have compassion for others. This is why they move on so easily. So stop stalking them on social media or asking mutual friends about them. Your progress is yours and yours alone. I also advocate that my clients block the narcissist from all forms of contact if possible. “Once you leave, you continue to assume you’re to blame because that intimate person in your life has a voice in your head, speaking in your own language because that’s what they do,” he says, adding, “it’s not obvious that it’s their voice playing; it sounds like your own.” Many of my clients who attract narcissists tend to be both type A and empathetic. This means they are tough on themselves and expect themselves to overgive, blaming themselves for the times they never gave enough. Instead of dedicating resources and attention to healing, they’re often ruminating and beating themselves up for everything they did wrong in that relationship, as if any modification would change the past. Here’s the deal: Every time you blame yourself, your narcissistic ex wins. They continue to abuse you because you are abusing yourself. Without obsessing for years (or months) over our childhoods, I advocate my clients explore and close chapters in their past that have scarred them, even if they feel it’s a little too pompous because “No one died” or “It’s not that bad.” The truth is, it matters to you and for you. And when you do this, you view your past in a different light—instead of blaming yourself, you are filled with empathy for your younger self. With a coherent story of your past, you start to heal. And then you can live your life guided by this question, “How can I be the champion my younger self never had?” So if you feel you left at the wrong time and want to give them another chance, know there’s no time when the stars will be aligned and the ducks are in a row. Many of my clients are extremely bright and accomplished, but they have spent their whole lives being unkind to themselves. I often remind them that learning to be kind feels harder than their surgical residency or seven-figure business deal. They laugh because it’s true. Consider it a form of training in your mental gym. The first time you train any muscle, it’s going to feel impossible, until one day it eventually stops feeling that way. Healing starts with you rooting for yourself, just as I’m rooting for you. She has been featured in Elle, Forbes, and Business Insider and has previously worked with Olympians, business professionals, and individuals seeking to master their psychological capital. She works globally in English and Mandarin-Chinese via Skype and Facetime, blending cutting-edge neuroscience, psychology, and ancient wisdom.
